The Hitwoman and the Missing Mobster

Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 50

Prologue

You just know it’s going to be a bad day when you’re facing death by skee-ball.

There was only one thing to do: stop, drop and roll.

I may have yelped in terror, too.

Chapter 1

Sometimes it feels like there’s always someone in my household who’s on the warpath.

On this particular morning, the person voicing their outrage was my sister, Marlene.

“You’ve got to fix this, Maggie,” she demanded as I shuffled into the kitchen.

I recoiled slightly, feeling attacked. Considering she was brandishing a pair of pinking shears, I’m not sure I overreacted. My backward movement caused me to accidentally step on the paw of the cat who was closely following me. She let out a yowl of pain and protest, so I hopped further back, colliding with the Doberman pinscher who was trailing behind. The dog, not the brightest in the household, barked excitedly. “Hungry! Hungry!” as I bounced off her and smacked into the wall…which dislodged a Home Sweet Home cross-stitch, which fell to the ground with a deafening clatter.

“Good morning, Maggie,” Templeton said in a calm, soothing voice like nothing unusual was happening. “Good morning, Piss. Good morning, DeeDee.”

“Good morning, Templeton, Pourer of the Cream,” Piss purred, her injury forgotten.

“Hungry!” DeeDee, the Doberman pinscher barked again, in case we hadn’t gotten the message the first time.

“Morning,” I replied to my Aunt Loretta’s better half as I pushed myself off the wall and into something that resembled the posture of a modern-day human.

“Coffee is ready,” he announced. “I’ll feed them.”

While he made sure the animals didn’t starve to death, I busied myself getting my coffee, doing my best to ignore the angry glare that my sister leveled at my back.

“What are you going to do?” Marlene blurted out angrily.

“I’m going to drink my coffee,” I told her dryly. 

“Just like she does every other day,” God, the anole lizard hanging out in my bra, muttered. “If I could just go a day without having to smell coffee,” he lamented pitifully.

“You’d probably be goners,” the cat hissed in his direction. “You know how she gets without it.”

I winked at my feline friend, grateful for her support, but not sure how I felt about her assessment. It looked like she was winking back, but it was hard to tell because she only has one eye.

“I’m serious, Maggie,” Marlene warned.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I told her tiredly, willing the caffeine I was imbibing to activate my brain cells.

“You need to talk to Delveccio. You need to have him give us permission to go away for the weekend.”

I sipped my coffee and chose my next words carefully. I didn’t want to just tell her that one couldn’t order a mob boss around like that. “I assume that the us you’re referring to is you and Bruno?”

“No,” she said sarcastically. “I want to go away with Dominic. Of course it’s Bruno!”

“You don’t have to be such a bit–” I barely caught myself as my nieces raced into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Aunt Maggie,” my niece Katie trilled happily.

“Morning, Katie,” I started to open my arms, then thought better of the action and put my cup of coffee down on the table. She threw herself at me for a hug. As I squeezed her, I smiled over her head at my other niece, Marlene’s daughter, Alicia. “Good morning to you, Alicia.”

I jerked my chin, indicating she should come join the group hug. She happily nuzzled in, and I pressed a kiss to the top of her head and then Katie’s.

“Blueberry or chocolate chip pancakes?” Templeton asked.

“Chocolate chip!” Katie replied immediately.

Her cousin hesitated for a brief moment, and I could tell that she had a different answer. “Which do you want, Alicia?” I prompted.

“Blueberry?” she requested shyly.

“No problem,” Templeton told her with a wink. “I like taking custom orders.”

“Especially in the bedroom,” my Aunt Loretta revealed, tottering into the kitchen in her stilettos.

“What does he make in the bedroom?” Katie asked innocently.

I shot my aunt a warning look. 

She looked like the proverbial deer caught in headlights. “Help!” she mouthed.

I shook my head and picked up my coffee. She’d got herself into this mess, I couldn’t wait to see how she’d get out of it.

“Well… you see…” And Loretta stammered nervously. She looked to Templeton, desperate to be saved. “A little help?”

“Katie, do you want whipped cream on your chocolate chip pancakes?” her better half asked in a flat voice.

“Yes!” Katie cheered obliviously.

“What about you, Miss Alicia,” Templeton asked with a little more emotion. “Syrup or whipped cream?”

“Whipped cream, please,” the little girl requested politely.

“Pancakes and whipped cream,” Templeton approved. “Coming up.”

“Tell Maggie to help me,” Marlene implored our aunt.

As though she knew she was already on shaky ground, Loretta shook her head, pecked Templeton on the cheek, and tottered back out of the room.

“I don’t understand why you won’t help me, Maggie,” Marlene complained.

“I didn’t say I would or would not help you,” I pointed out. “But I will say that making demands before I’ve had my coffee is a poor strategic choice if you’re hoping to engender good will.”

“I didn’t know that I had to make a strategic choice when it came to asking my sister for help,” Marlene pouted.

“Margaret can’t help you,” Aunt Susan announced, breezing into the kitchen with her hands on her hips. “She needs to help me.”

I tried not to visibly flinch. I could tell from the determination in her stance and tone that things were about to go sideways.

“What I need is to finish my coffee in peace,” I told them both impatiently. Without waiting for them to respond, I jumped up from the table and made a beeline for the back door.

“Don’t you dare walk out on this discussion, Margaret,” Susan warned.

Ignoring her, I burst outside with DeeDee and Piss rushing out ahead of me.

“Gotta! Gotta!” DeeDee barked, running off to find the ideal clump of grass.

“Morning, Maggie,” a voice croaked from nearby.

I scanned the area and waved at the black crow perched in a nearby tree. “Morning, Mike. I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to give you to eat.”

“No worry, toots,” he cawed

“Maggie!” A voice whispered from nearby.

I turned around, searching for its source.

“Over here,” he called furtively.

I eyed Griswald, Aunt Susan’s husband. The former US Marshal was lurking behind the barn, peering out at me nervously.

I squeezed my coffee mug harder. Was it too much to ask that I just be allowed to consume my first dose of morning caffeine in silence?

“Morning,” I offered halfheartedly. There was no way I was going to slap a “good” in front of it. Not the way this day was going.

He motioned for me to join him.

Sighing heavily, I literally dragged my feet as I shuffled over behind the barn.

“Did she ask you?” His eyes had an almost wild gleam in them.

Here’s the thing about Griswald. Sure, he’s retired law enforcement and is therefore a threat to me and some of my illegal activities, but for the most part, I like him. He’s a good addition to the family, he seems to make Aunt Susan happy, and he often treats me like a responsible adult, something my three aunts seem to still struggle with at times. He is not the kind of man who gets wild gleams.

“What’s up?” I asked carefully.

“Did she ask you?”

I shook my head. “I stormed off before she got a chance,” I admitted.

“Good!”

“Is it?”

He nodded emphatically. “That means that when she asks you, you can tell her that you already agreed to help me instead.”

“But I haven’t told you that I’d help with whatever it is you two are up to,” I felt the need to point out. I really just wanted to be Switzerland in this situation. Neutral, and hopefully surrounded by a plethora of chocolate.

But that’s not the way my life usually goes, and this wasn’t going to be any different.