The Hitwoman and The Missing Gun

Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 57

Chapter 1

You just know it’s going to be a bad day when two Doberman Pinschers have you pinned to the ground. 

“Don’t you dare drool on me,” I commanded them breathlessly. 

“Don’t you dare step on me,” the small lizard holed up in my bra ordered. “I have sensitive skin, you know.”

“Know I. Hungry,’” DeeDee panted. She was the smaller of the two dogs and my own pet, so I knew from experience that she wasn’t going to let me up anytime soon unless she was promised food.

“Hungry!” the other Doberman, Champ, barked in my face. He was bigger, stronger, and was putting a lot more pressure on my rib cage, making it hard to breathe.

“Off!” I gasped with discomfort.

DeeDee immediately hopped away from me slightly. Champ didn’t move.

“Off,” I ordered again on a groan, in clear distress.

The bigger Doberman just looked down at me with a goofy grin, baring all his sharp teeth at me. He barked in my face again, “Hungry.”

His stubbornness got him knocked on his butt.

Without warning, DeeDee growled, then threw her entire body weight against his, knocking him off me. While he scrambled to regain his balance, she snarled, “Protect Maggie will I.”

“Easy, girl,” I murmured. Reaching out, I stroked her back as I sat up. “I appreciate you looking out for me.”

“Sorry, are say you,” she growled at the other dog.

Champ backed up slightly. “Sorry,” he panted pitifully.

“It’s okay,” I assured them. “There’s no harm done. I’m okay, DeeDee.”

“Hurt, Maggie, no.” my pet warned her canine companion, pulling back her lips to flash her teeth at him, definitely not in a smiley way.

“Maggie, sorry,” Champ whined, properly chastised.

“It’s okay, Champ,” I told him. Then I turned to my dog and reminded her, “Go easy on him. He’s had a big move, and he has a lot of new rules to learn.”

DeeDee, who’s never managed to hold a grudge, wiggled her butt and woofed at the other dog, “Chase!”

Together they raced off, practically bouncing with excited exuberance, the tension already forgotten. I slowly got to my feet. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It felt good to be less stressed than usual. At that exact moment, nothing was going wrong, which was quite unusual in my life.

I’d had a date the night before with Nate Hunting that had consisted of him taking me to a showing of an old movie at the movie theater. We’d shared a bag of popcorn, he’d rested his arm across my shoulders, and we enjoyed the simplicity of old-time storytelling. It had been so normal that I’d actually drifted off to sleep.

Thankfully, Nate didn’t hold it against me. He told me it was kind of cute that I drooled on his shoulder.

I guess I’m a lot like the Dobermans in that respect.

I watched the two dogs chasing each other, along with the cat, without a care in the world, and felt an almost carefree kinship with them.

My nieces were happy and excited to start classes with their new teacher. My Aunt Leslie was getting back to her normal self. Even Aunt Susan felt positive about what would be happening with her sister, Mary, my mother, soon.

Life was good, but I didn’t think it could last for very long.

“Hey, chica,” a familiar voice called. “How was your date?”

I turned toward my friend, Armani Vasquez, and smiled at her as she limped toward me. “Don’t tell anybody, but I fell asleep on him.”

“Physically on him or…?” Armani’s eyes sparkled with a mixture of curiosity and mischief.

“I fell asleep in the movie theater,” I clarified.

“Well, that’s not as bad as falling asleep while on him.” She nodded her approval.

“And how was your day?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. 

“Jack’s taste is more limited than I sometimes realize,” she admitted.

The guy was a straight-arrow crime reporter. It didn’t surprise me at all that she found his taste to be a bit limited and narrow.

“Did he take you out for milkshakes?” I teased. “Did you two have to share one with a heart-shaped straw?”

“He gave me a lecture about secondhand smoke when I suggested that we go to a cigar bar.” She shook her head. “And then he took me to a vegetarian restaurant.” She made a terrible face. 

“You didn’t like it?” I guessed.

“If human beings were supposed to eat plant-based rubber, they wouldn’t have evolved as hunters.”

“All rubber is plant-based,” a superior voice boomed from my chest. “They collect the sap just like maple syrup.”

“What did the squeaker say?” Armani asked curiously, knowing that it was my anole lizard who’d made the noise.

“I do not squeak!” God shouted. “Tell her I do not squeak.”

Pausing her game with Champ long enough to interject, DeeDee barked, “Do you, yes.”

“Squeaker!” Champ confirmed with a loud bark.

“He said all rubber comes from plants,” I told Armani, feeling like the mood of the day was already shifting to chaos. I didn’t mention the maple syrup connection since it was so random.

“Well, isn’t he a know-it-all?” Armani muttered, embarrassed to have been corrected by a lizard.

“He certainly is,” Piss purred, strolling up to us and rubbing against my shins. The cat seemed pleased that someone had finally called Godzilla out on his attitude.

“It’s not my fault that everyone says such stupid things,” God argued.

“And it’s not our fault that we’re stuck listening to you,” Piss meowed cattily.

“So rude!” God complained and then fell silent.

“The kids are excited,” Armani said, ignoring the cat and lizard. “How’s Madison doing?”

“I was just going to check on her,” I confessed. “I know last night she was worrying about feeling like she’s not up for the job.”

“She’ll be fine,” Armani said with a wave of her hand. “They’re little kids. Anybody could teach their curriculum.”

“Maybe Katie and Dominic, but I’m not so sure about Alicia,” I murmured. I was pretty sure that my niece, my sister Marlene’s daughter, was the smartest person in the family by far.

“Don’t worry about it,” Armani insisted. “Madison’s only temporary, and she’ll be adequate.”

I studied my friend for a moment. “Is that a psychic prediction or just you talking?”

“It’s a psychic certainty,” she told me with pride. Then she turned and limped back toward the house.

“Does that mean that the other grammatically challenged slobbering beast won’t be here for too long?” God asked, hopefully. 

“It could,” I answered carefully.

“I’m quite worried that he could do me real harm,” the lizard admitted. “Or you.”

“Champ is a menace,” Piss murmured, for once agreeing with the scaly one. “Poor Twitch is in hiding.”

I frowned, feeling a pang of sympathy for the young rabbit. “I’ll talk to Champ about being calmer.”

“And quieter,” Piss urged.

“It’s been a big change for him,” I said, making an excuse. “Everybody goes through an adjustment period. We just need to have some patience with him.”

“If he harms my sensitive skin I—” God began.

“Maggie! Maggie!”

I turned toward the man calling my name and saw that Templeton was rushing toward me, carrying a plate covered by a napkin. 

“I thought Madison might want a little something to nibble on for her first day of work,” Templeton explained, thrusting the plate at me. “It’s just muffins. If she doesn’t want them, she can always have them tonight after dinner.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate it,” I told him.

“Tell her I said good luck, and if the kids get to be too much, I’m happy to give her a break.”

“You’re the best,” I told him with a warm smile. And I meant it. My fondness for Aunt Loretta’s other half grew every day. Sometimes I wondered if my dysfunctional family could operate without him.

He hurried back toward the house. “I’m making the kids pancakes if you want any.”

“Speaking of maple syrup,” God murmured.

“I’ll be right there,” I yelled after him. “Please save me a cup of coffee.”

“Consider it done,” he called over his shoulder.

My stomach grumbled, as though it felt the need to confirm my hunger. I crossed the yard, balancing the plate at arm’s length so that I wouldn’t be tempted to steal a muffin for myself. Just one. It’s not like Madison would know the difference. Arms outstretched, like a walking dead zombie, I strode behind the barn.

Madison Smith, my newest friend, had been temporarily set up in Armani’s camper behind the building. The RV gleamed in the sunlight, a stark contrast to the faded paint of the barn.

I walked up to the door and knocked three times. “Breakfast delivery.”

Madison peered out the tiny window and then threw open the door. “Thank goodness it’s you.” There was no missing the relief in her voice. 

I felt a bit of anxiety stir in my gut and asked, “Who else were you expecting it to be?”